The Special Needs of the Grieving Child
What Worked for Me
By Toni Peterson
Nearly six years ago, my husband and best friend of 37 years died suddenly of a heart attack. Our then 4-year-old granddaughter, Anne, and 18-month-old grandson, Joey, were with us at the time. Ken and I had been babysitting for the weekend, as our son and his wife were away at a wedding.
Ten years earlier, Ken and I lost both our daughter and our niece in a car accident, so I could not believe this could possibly be happening to my 59-year-old husband. I was, as one might expect, distraught and nearly hysterical.
I was able to quickly get a friend to come over and take the children while I waited for the ambulance, but not before our precious grandchildren were witness to a highly traumatic event.
Joey was too young to remember anything of that day, but I have always had my antennae up for signs that Anne might be deeply affected. I consider myself extremely fortunate that I watch my grandchildren full-time, so I have been able to see them daily, and be a big part of their lives.
Children grieve differently from adults. They may have a burst of tears one minute and skip off playing the next, so it can be easy to underestimate the effect that a loss has on a child. However, there are some very good resources available to help navigate their pain and loss, and here are some that worked for our family.
Talk
I researched ways to answer the many questions they had; Where is Grampy now? Why did he die? Is someone else going to die now too? The responses to these questions will vary based on a family’s belief systems, but the point is to talk openly and often from the beginning. Once you begin the habit of NOT mentioning the deceased person, or the loss, the harder it will be to talk at all. We talk about Ken’s hobbies, his love of Corvettes, the Yankees, and cooking. I remind Anne and Joey of how much fun he had playing with his grandchildren and how he would let Anne put bows in his hair if that’s what she wanted. Telling funny stories is one of our favorite things to do.
Sesame Street
Some of the most helpful and simplest information on the topic of grief for younger children we found was at https://sesameworkshop.org/topics/grief/ Watching the videos together sparked many a tender conversation, and the familiar characters made the topic less scary.
Books
I found several books written for children on the topic of grief, but one of the best was The Memory Box: A Book About Grief by Joanna Rowland and Thea Baker. It tells the story of a child who is grieving a loss, and creates a Memory Box to fill with mementos of her loved one. Creating the box was an artistic activity in which Anne could remember Grampy and keep him ‘nearby’.
Personal and Fun Rituals
We celebrate Ken’s birthday each year by going out to one of his favorite restaurants, where we each order something he loved to eat. We say this is a table of Grampy’s favorites, both people and food.
Model/Maintain Routines
Children take their cues from the adults in their lives. Life does continue after loss, and while we are very sad, we are also very fortunate to have each other, and will be able to live life (albeit differently) again. To that end, I tried to maintain as many routines as possible. Routines are very important to children; they give them a sense of security, especially important when life is turned upside down.
My grandchildren are 10 and 7 today. Joey, who was too young at the time to have any recollection of that event, is aware that his grandfather died and he does still have questions, as we all do, about death. Anne seems to have come through well – she talks openly and happily about her grandfather now, though we still shed a tear or two together now and then.
The Special Needs of the Grieving Child
What Worked for Me
By Toni Peterson
Nearly six years ago, my husband and best friend of 37 years died suddenly of a heart attack. Our then 4-year-old granddaughter, Anne, and 18-month-old grandson, Joey, were with us at the time. Ken and I had been babysitting for the weekend, as our son and his wife were away at a wedding.
Ten years earlier, Ken and I lost both our daughter and our niece in a car accident, so I could not believe this could possibly be happening to my 59-year-old husband. I was, as one might expect, distraught and nearly hysterical.
I was able to quickly get a friend to come over and take the children while I waited for the ambulance, but not before our precious grandchildren were witness to a highly traumatic event.
Joey was too young to remember anything of that day, but I have always had my antennae up for signs that Anne might be deeply affected. I consider myself extremely fortunate that I watch my grandchildren full-time, so I have been able to see them daily, and be a big part of their lives.
Children grieve differently from adults. They may have a burst of tears one minute and skip off playing the next, so it can be easy to underestimate the effect that a loss has on a child. However, there are some very good resources available to help navigate their pain and loss, and here are some that worked for our family.
Talk
I researched ways to answer the many questions they had; Where is Grampy now? Why did he die? Is someone else going to die now too? The responses to these questions will vary based on a family’s belief systems, but the point is to talk openly and often from the beginning. Once you begin the habit of NOT mentioning the deceased person, or the loss, the harder it will be to talk at all. We talk about Ken’s hobbies, his love of Corvettes, the Yankees, and cooking. I remind Anne and Joey of how much fun he had playing with his grandchildren and how he would let Anne put bows in his hair if that’s what she wanted. Telling funny stories is one of our favorite things to do.
Sesame Street
Some of the most helpful and simplest information on the topic of grief for younger children we found was at https://sesameworkshop.org/topics/grief/ Watching the videos together sparked many a tender conversation, and the familiar characters made the topic less scary.
Books
I found several books written for children on the topic of grief, but one of the best was The Memory Box: A Book About Grief by Joanna Rowland and Thea Baker. It tells the story of a child who is grieving a loss, and creates a Memory Box to fill with mementos of her loved one. Creating the box was an artistic activity in which Anne could remember Grampy and keep him ‘nearby’.
Personal and Fun Rituals
We celebrate Ken’s birthday each year by going out to one of his favorite restaurants, where we each order something he loved to eat. We say this is a table of Grampy’s favorites, both people and food.
Model/Maintain Routines
Children take their cues from the adults in their lives. Life does continue after loss, and while we are very sad, we are also very fortunate to have each other, and will be able to live life (albeit differently) again. To that end, I tried to maintain as many routines as possible. Routines are very important to children; they give them a sense of security, especially important when life is turned upside down.
My grandchildren are 10 and 7 today. Joey, who was too young at the time to have any recollection of that event, is aware that his grandfather died and he does still have questions, as we all do, about death. Anne seems to have come through well – she talks openly and happily about her grandfather now, though we still shed a tear or two together now and then.