NAVIGATING THE HOLIDAYS
By Sarah Raison
As the winter holidays approach, we are bombarded with messages that this will be a season of joy, peace and love. And yet for those who are grieving, any holiday can be a time of great sadness and stress. While those around us are in festive spirits we may be in a drastically different place: of pain, desperate sorrow, anger, envy, bitterness, regret, or isolation. We may lack the energy or interest to plan or attend holiday events. There may be family conflicts related to where and how the holiday will take place. Many questions and fears may arise:
Who will carve the turkey?
What if I start to cry in the middle of dinner?
What if I just don’t want to celebrate this year?
How will I manage to simply cope with getting through the day?
It is important for those who grieve to recognize limitations. We are not functioning at normal capacity and must reevaluate our priorities. This means that we must realize that we have physical and emotional limitations, know that there is no right or wrong way to respond, and set limits with other people. We need to recognize that the absence of a loved one will be painful no matter what we do, and thus allow for the pain. It is natural and appropriate to miss someone we have deeply loved, and no perfect holiday plan will take that away. That being said, there are things to keep in mind that, at the very least, will not exacerbate the pain. Remember to:
Plan Ahead and Express Your Needs
Plan and talk with your family and friends about your holiday expectations and limitations. Listen to your heart and do only those things that feel right to you. It is important to realize that you have limitations. Discussing your holiday plans and your personal needs with those around you will help reduce everyone’s anxiety and give you the time you need for yourself. It is okay to be specific about your preferences and desires. Remember to update others when your needs change.
Give Yourself Permission “To Be”
Remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Your emotions may be more volatile during the holidays. You may have a greater need to talk about your feelings. Allow grieving time and breathing space and expect variations in mood and perspective. Those who are grieving work overtime. Not only is life more complicated, but all energy is siphoned into the mental and emotional work of grief. Grieving is nature’s way of healing the mind and heart from a great injury. Try not to isolate yourself but ask others to listen and support you through this difficult time.
Make Changes or Adjustments
Your circumstances have changed. Expect to make alterations in holiday plans to accommodate those changes. Consider changing your surroundings, rituals, or traditions to diminish stress and soften your pain. Explain to family and friends that this year things may be different. Know that it is all right if you don’t please everyone. Consider honoring the person who has died in some of your activities.
Make it Simple and Trim Down
Grief consumes most of your available energy no matter what the season. The holidays place additional demands on your time and emotions. Make commitments based on your available physical and emotional energy. It is okay to reevaluate your priorities and forego activities and obligations you do not feel up to participating in.
Ask for and Accept Help
Accept offers for assistance with holiday shopping, decorating, cleaning, and cooking. Chances are that your family and friends are looking for ways to help you during this time. Allowing those who care to offer support can become a gift that is mutually beneficial.
Be Flexible
There is no exact formula for dealing with your loss. You have permission to change your mind. You are the best person to know what is best for you and your needs may change from day to day. If earlier decisions don’t feel right as the time approaches, don’t follow through. Listen to your heart. Accept the fluctuations and learn to take each moment as it comes.
The chart below can be helpful to segment aspects of the holiday season and take a closer look at how we felt about each activity prior to the death of our loved one, then asking ourselves if we are up to doing each activity the same this year, or if we’d prefer it with changes (and if so, what changes). Be honest with yourself about what you have enjoyed (or not) in the past and what you best feel you can handle this year:
