Haven Grief Support Groups

What Worked for Me

by Stephanie Miller

In January 2017, my partner of five years died. Like so many others who may be reading this newsletter, that day rocked the foundations of my world. It took some time and a not-insignificant amount of therapy before I was ready to go to a support group. My therapist at the time suggested Haven and forwarded me a flier with the contact information. Fast-forward to October 2018 and I attended Haven’s Grief Group for widows, widowers and partners.

Support is everything. The women who were in my same support group are emblematic of its importance. At its core, the group helped keep me on my feet and figure out how to move forward in a way not even my therapist really could. They understood the kind of loss I was untangling despite the differences of our individual circumstances. There are things about losing my partner that everyone else directly affected by his loss couldn’t understand because of their relationship to him (sibling, cousin, etc.). This group, these women, could and did because they were in similar places and that continues to help me through the bad days when they happen.

Grieving is not a race and its progress cannot be measured with any milestones. It’s all a great big ball of wibbly-wobbly emotionally tumultuous…stuff (there’s a handout of this too!). Both at the time and now, no one from our group pushed anyone else to move faster than we were able. They helped me listen to my inner voice telling me it would be okay. I could ignore those people telling us we should not sit in our grief, that it should be something we get over. Being with people telling me to move at my own speed allowed me to do just that and to learn how to response to family, friends and colleagues.

Time is only a measure of distance between loss and today. It’s not the measure of either how the heart is mending or how to live after loss.

I’m thankful for everyone I met through the support group. Haven and the group provided me a safe place where I didn’t feel the need to hide or minimize how I felt. That helped more than I can put into words.

Benefits of Attending Support Groups

Grief support groups come in a variety of shapes and sizes. Sometimes they are specific to a type of loss or tragedy. They can be less specific, as well. Sometimes sessions are led by a licensed therapist or counselor, or by a religious leader. Sometimes a trained volunteer leads the group. Regardless, the loss of a loved one is the shared experience that brings the group together. Here are five benefits of a grief support group:

Provides Hope

Grief is a journey, with detours and straightaways, starts and stops. While no two experiences are the same, there is a shared experience of loss. Gathering in a group allows people who are early in their journey to connect with those who are much further along. Meeting with and talking to others who have experienced a similar loss shows that it’s possible to feel joy again. For those further along in their healing process, sharing such reassurance can provide important affirmation to themselves, and confirm that the group is a helpful resource for others.

You Are Not Alone

Perhaps the biggest benefit of a grief support group is the reminder that you are not alone. Grieving can be terribly lonely and isolating, especially when everyone around you seems to be “getting on with their lives.” By attending a support group for the death of a parent, you may find that other people have experiences, feelings and struggles that are similar to your own. When your grief is overwhelming, the support group community says, “We’ve been there. We understand you.” This is a powerful statement at a critical time.

A Different Perspective

As we mentioned above – and cannot reiterate enough – no two grieving journeys are the same. However, those who have experienced a similar loss may have valuable advice and suggestions, critical insights, or a different outlook to share. By listening and learning, you may come away with some useful perspectives to help you move along on your grief journey.

Giving Back

Giving back to others grounds people with a sense of purpose and meaning. This altruism can serve as a helpful tool in the healing process. When you participate in a support group for the death of a spouse, you’ll receive advice, but you also share your story and inspire others, too. Often we don’t realize how far along on our own journey we truly are until we guide and support someone on her or his journey.

A Sense of Belonging

We, as humans, have an innate need to belong, to be part of a tribe or group. This survival instinct has served us well for thousands of years. Indeed, studies show that a sense of belonging can contribute to our overall happiness. Following a loss, you may feel alone or left out, and different than others because of your grief. Finding a group that understands and accepts you can be an important step in your healing. No one wants to be in the grief club, but once you’re in the club, you may find comfort in surrounding yourself with other members.